Friday, 29 May 2009

Wolfsled

Transmission starts....

I'm convinced it's about noise.
Noise and feel.
And possibly the idea of internal combustion.
Either way, that's something for another day.
This week I 'ave been mostly trying to sell the bosses car. Anyone in the market for a Merc SLK in black for roughly 8k?
It's funny (or not), as soon as you become known as a car know it all people actually assume you know it 'all'. Those 'all' things include how to sell a premium sports car/convertible hardtop thingy with no experience of actually selling a premium sports car / convertible hardtop thingy.
So, where to start?
It's all about the Pee's.
The preparation, the prevents, the piss, the poor, the performance..
She (the car, not the boss) needs a valet, all four alloys renovated/reconditioned, a 65,000 mile service and a letter 'R' from the 'Kompressor' legend that seems to have gone for a little one way trip.
Probably to the back of a chav-mobile.
Sorry that's not fair is it?
Ok, how about; its probably masquerading as a 'racing' badge on a lowered washing machine?
Either way, project 001a is now underway.

Transmission ends....

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Ministry Of Transport

Transmission starts...

Fail.
Fail on the rear fog-lights, fail on a tiny pin-prick hole on the front brake hose.
Bugger.
An afternoons mucking about might have found the fault with the lights but the process of draining, taking apart and refilling the reasonably complicated set of valves and hoses that make up the internals of a (relatively) (not really) modern  ABS system is very scary indeed.
So, I'm now almost £150 lighter (that's including the initial MOT) and just a little bit mechanically paranoid.
Silver lining?
This is the garage that (by proxy) I'd bought the Audi from. Upon purchase several things that were promised in the transaction simply never turned up. 
A working sunroof for starters. 
Or how about a service history for mains?
Anyway;
The parcel shelf was missing but I'd been promised it was knocking about somewhere. A couple of weeks of fruitless phone calls produced a verbal shrugging of shoulders. Today it miraculously turned up.
The best part?
"Lucky you came in, otherwise it would've been chucked away"
Brilliant.
Cheers.

Transmission ends...

Thursday, 7 May 2009

Night Riding

Transmission starts...

Night driving. It's what I do when I cut loose. Cut loose from the hio polloi, hustle bustle of the everyday. 
The poet and I had been debating theology at the local Alpha course.
"Fancy going for a drive?" I'd asked. After dropping The Pipe Smoker off we'd filled up on fuel and set a course to nowhere. The Audi does this well. The mid-size V6 takes high speed cruising in its stride, it's only let down by a relatively large amount of wind noise. Amazing really. There is only one generation of R and D that separates this from the Starship Diesel, a car whose name comes from its lack of wind noise, unhurried nature, blue sci-fi instruments, in all; Its touring ability.
And yet.
The Starship was created by a non-premium manufacturer. It is a Peoples Car. Welcome to expected growth and the exponential rise of the microchip...
So;
From Spa Cheltenham to Big City Bristol with its Victorian riveted Iron, its revived city centre, its preserved Banksy, Portishead, Massive Attack heritage. We merely skirt all of this. 
On and out we dash up the long hill M4 to the A46 junction then a sharp acceleration and a long sweeper that shows the Audi to be grippy but non-communicative. We get stuck behind a C3. I drop the pace. We talk of past journeys, past relationships, past conversations and the relentless passage of achievement and failure, not wanting to get off of this pressured rat race, human race for fear of breaking a leg. 
I find an overtaking opportunity and we pour along the Cotswold pass occasionally slowing to impulse speeds for the odd village, before winding out the V6 to yowl at the night.
We enter the small town of my childhood, creep past my parents house, creep past my Mother's Mothers' house, creep into the green field of my childlike dreams. We climb out and watch the clouds race overhead, talk of beauty, luck and possible grace.
The Audi ticks in the orange street light, but not for long.
All aboard and we idle down the street my Mother and I shared our childhood but for time.
On we press, then up the hill, up Coopers Hill to Minchinhampton/Rodborough Common. Tugging at the wheel reminds me that for some reason this car doesn't like a cross wind. I think back to a couple of hairy high speed moments on the French Alps Auto Route in driving rain. 
We press on across the common and down the hill into Stroud. We enter a lake of lights, the orange glow washes over us. We rejoin the A46, through chocolate box Painswick, turn off the A46, up the hill to the beacon, as far as the track takes us where we climb out and march up the hill, wind flickering my shirt and making The Poets hair dance. We stand and survey the glow of Glevum, the dark River Severn, the defined edge of the Cotswold Hills, perhaps, where 12,000 years ago the ice sheet had ground to a halt, pushing the skin of the land to make this wrinkled, hilly green paradise in this United Kingdom. We race back down the hill, stumbling, shaking in the cold. The Audi welcomes us back, protects us from the wind, the coming rain, as we drop down from the lofty heights back into Cheltenham. One last winding out of 5th gear reveals the theoretical maximum cruising speed .
"I like this car. It's comfortable" says The Poet.
I agree.
I drop The Poet off and creep home. As I climb out I take the time to look the Audi over. She ticks in the wind . I think I may be beginning to like her;
"There is playful element to the character of this car"
Funny, I thought she was too serious. 
Maybe I was wrong....

Transmission ends....

Thursday, 30 April 2009

Washing Machine

Transmission starts.....

"Do you ever get the feeling you're just moving the dirt around?"
"Yea, that's why I stopped doing it."
I was about 3/4 through washing the Audi when Jimbo Baggins had made me jump with a phone based SURPRISE! prank.
Yea.
That's what we're like.
Anyway, after I'd almost thrown a bucket of dirty hot soapy water at his smug face we'd had the above exchange. He went on to say he preferred car washes. They are indeed quicker and easier. But (never start a sentence with 'but') they are definitely not cheaper and I always feel a little guilty about the amount of energy/water I've just consumed for my convenience. What I was doing was clearly not the best way as the Audi almost looked a bit dirtier so I went and had a chat with my old (not really) friend Google.
Results ranged from the usual adverts that somehow redirect me to MySpace through to some soul sold American recommending products on video.
Anyway;
E-how gave the simplest answer with a 10 step guide. OK for most, but for my particular brand of anal retentiveness it wasn't quite enough. Besides, they talked about something called a 'Terry Cloth". Riiiiight. (As far as I can make out it's some sort of generic term for a cotton rag or cloth).
So;
I retyped the search but made sure that it was specifically restricted to this United Kingdom. The best result was by something or someone called 'Video Jug' on the website 'Desperate Sellers'. Sounds almost like it could be porn? Well yes actually. But no, unfortunately, Ahem, sorry fortunately NO. That's EN OH.
Sorry.
Where was I?
Ah yes, the video 'Jug'.
The video outlines no less than 17 steps to a washed car. That satisfied me.....
Here's the link:

Oh, and by the way; DON'T USE WASHING UP LIQUID.

Transmission ends......

Monday, 20 April 2009

Private Parts

Transmission starts...

My attitude is;
If he (or indeed she) can do it then so can I.
It is with this attitude that I've broken the sunroof on the Audi a bit more. Still, at least it helped me sort a broken lock the other day. Half an hour of fiddling, poking, opening and closing the other doors to find out how the mechanical action of the perennial locking latch on the motor car found success and a broken spring.
Even though I did check First Choice Parts (a breakers network) none of the answers I received were that much cheaper than buying new. Parklands Audi had the part in within 2 days of asking. Wow. Welcome to the world of proper mass parts production. No waiting around for 4 months for piston rings for a Cagiva Mito...
Anyways 2 days of driving around with the main central locking system holding the door in place (rather poorly), half expecting it to pop open in a corner to take out an unsuspecting something or other led to finally fitting a shiny new lock on a sunny Saturday morning.
So, the door lock was a sort of reasonable £36.46.
Hang on.
When I say reasonable, what I mean to say is How Much Does It Cost For A Factory To Push Such A Small Part Out, The Effing Robbers.
Oh well. At least I fitted it myself. Mechanics rates are higher than solicitors.
FACT.

Transmission ends...

Saturday, 18 April 2009

Driving passion

Transmission starts...

I think it says something that upon climbing aboard the Starship Diesel (A car, for all of its capability I've been struggling to write a review about for the last two years) I found myself hankering for a drive. At least there's a vague idea of what might, possibly be going on with the front tyres communicated in some sort of small way.
And yet...
I do often get home in the early hours of the morning having waited on Joe and Jane public and long to sit in the Audi's bubble of glass and steel and just drive. Drive till dawn.
One day I will do this.
One day soon.
I'll let you know when I do.
You can come along if you like...

Transmission ends...

Thursday, 9 April 2009

First Impressions

Transmission starts...

Yes, I did buy the 80.
Yes, I did drive it to Geneva and back.
Yes, a full driving story and video is on the way.
So, putting all of that to one side for now, what's it like, this 15 -year-old Audi? Well, for starters, it is in no way, shape or even form fun to drive. The steering is rubbish, the damping is too hard and it feels immediately nose heavy. Nothing new there then. Absolutely nothing to add to the collective motoring consciousness.
I do, however like the way it looks, and I do (damping aside) find it comfortable. I like the build quality and I like the little auxiliary dials at the bottom of the centre console that tell me what the oil pressure is and how much electricity the engine is generating and something else I can't quite remember.
Unsurprisingly it does need a few little jobs doing to it. the sunroof doesn't work, the dash does not quite glow with the brightness that it surely did when it left the factory and the front, left speaker has lost the ability to articulate itself clearly. Getting carried away with some nice alloys and RS2 style front lamps is tempting, but really, I'm afraid she just isn't worth it....

Transmission ends....